Mighty Girl

Mighty Girl is a good writer who chronicles her days and experiences in easy to read and interesting positive tidbits. I read a point of hers that said something along the lines of 'you can get a laugh from being overtly critical, but then you'll attract the kind of readers who feed off negativity'. That idea is resonating with me.

I've always felt that, from my perspective, my personal growth happens in jumps and spurts, and is less of a gradual thing. I'm in a spurt and it's interesting and sucky and good all at the same time. Genuinely considering the negative aspects of my own personality is hard, especially when you know it's alienating people, and because I analyse these kinds of things, I can get wound up in it all until I feel overwhelmed and pretty bad about myself.

I have to think about the things I like and don't like and see how they are for me. Is being consistent something to strive for? Is it normal to always be positive and forward thinking, or is it normal to swing back and forth and have periods in your life where, afterwards, you kind of have a moment and think "what was I doing?" and "why did I think that was okay?". Is this a quarter life crisis? Not a crisis, I think that's too harsh but it is a time of change. Or if not change, then maybe of heightened awareness. I wonder if anyone feels they are the same way that other people see them. I want to find the balance with having actions and thoughts that I respect and am proud to have define me, while not compromising myself, my thoughts or my right to be wrong sometimes.

It burdens my mind that I was totally fine with myself and then suddenly am on unsure footing again.

I've been thinking fix-it stuff since I can remember, and I wonder when it will be time that I am finally satisfied. The more these thoughts roll around in my head, the more I am understanding the magic of meditation. I can already think of twenty things that I could actively not think about in a meditation session.

Mighty Girl wrote this entry and I've copied and pasted it in its entirety:

2.27.02 ACTUAL SKY From Beckian Fritz Goldberg's "Being Pharoh"

Each time we fall out of love, we
say it wasn't really love at all, as if,
landing, a plane would say no, not
actual sky.

It feels like that sometimes, like when you are done something or looking back on an event or time in your life, it's faded enough that you can convince youself that the colours were never that bright, you didn't really mean what you said, that I wasn't as happy as I seemed. But surely it must have been all those things. Because at the time, it was true. It might not have been right, it may have been regrettable but it was true and real. Is it fair to look back and use memories of yourself and others? It can't be, because who is to say that everything hasn't changed in every possible way every moment since then. Why do I use memories of myself, of others, to judge or define or compare? Is it reasonable to expect myself to stop all that, or am I fighting human nature?

So why all the questioning now?