An open letter

Dear prank caller who called my house 7+ times last night starting at 6 a.m.,

I hate you.

But I will try and understand you. I will try and understand why, you , and probably all your drunken/high 'friends' think it's cool to pick a number and call it again and again and again until you get bored/pass out. I will try to understand that, what with your inebriation, you have the mental capcity of a hamster on quaaludes, allowing you to be seemingly endlessly entertained by someone going 'hello?' once, maybe twice then hanging up. Let's do it again! That was so cool!

I will try to understand that you probably aren't thinking that I'm imagining a family member in the hospital the first time you call, because you don't call that early (or, for you, 'late'!) unless it's an emergency. I will try to get the fact that you probably have no idea that the second or third tome you call, we have to pick up, because the first time could have been a wrong number, and maybe it IS an emergency. But to still call and call, letting the machine pick up until we finally get, with our sleepy, confused brains that we need to disabel our own phone system in order to get back to sleep, is just plain rude. Once that happens, I'm sure you tried a few more times (thanks for leaving a message of nothing!), but don't worry, even if I'm not picking up the phone, I'm still thinking about you!

Sure, you bet! I've only just started the phase of my night where I comfort myself that it's not someone's foreign parents trying to reach someone they love, and start the fantasizing about what I would say to you if I picked up even one more time. I concoct scenarios with which to shame you "Hello, terminal care ward, is this an emergency?", or "hello, fragile kitten convalescence centre and therapy home, you've upset the whole place, are you a vet?", or my favourite of the morning" Oh god, thank god you picked up, call 911 i need an ambulance, i've cut myself very very badly! Please help me, can you write this down? I'm located at 472 never-call-here-again Terrace, apartment number if-you-do-I-will-trace-this-call-i-swear and so on.

And you know why I do all of this? Other than to soothe myself back to sleep? Because, deep down, in some part of my brain, I believe that you are capable of feeling shame! Isn't that great? So, you see, I understand that probably you are a human with some sort of moral code, however loose, that is capable even stoned or drunk out of your mind, to have a sense of dismay, or concern. I'm sure it's the least I can do.

So you see, even thoughI hope you fall and lose the capacity to use phones as your only bizarre side effect, I do in the end, have a shred of respect for you. I hope that you are 14 years old, but I know that likely you are a decade beyond that date and experimenting with your first drunk dial. In conclusion, I wish you well in future endeavors as long as they have no impact on my life.

Sincerely, and I swear if you do it again I will pay the 75 cents and *69 in order to find you,

Captain Underpants